A Personal Plea for Intentional Kindness

Things you might be better off not hearing:

1. “You should be fine.”
2. “He’s going to really screw him up.”

I have a soft spot in my heart for educators and people in general really, who are involved in the betterment of mental health for young people (counselors, teachers, coaches, youth group leaders, parents...). We’ve come a long way. We have a long way to go. But we have come a long way.

I heard that first line above (you should be fine) upon returning to school after my father’s funeral. The principal stopped me in the hall...to check up on me, I suppose. I can’t conclude that he knew what he was doing, or what I was going through. He concluded by saying “you didn’t really know your dad, so you should be fine”...and with that... walked away. 

I was 11.

I didn’t have the wherewithal to be able to process what was going on in my life. And I certainly did not know how to process those words. The school, as good as it was in so many ways, didn’t have the resources for situations like I had gone through. Even so...that guy failed miserably. He did not belong in education, in my opinion,  and fortunately was replaced before the next school year. 

But there’s a darker side to my story. One that won’t be fully disclosed here, because it can be depressing if dwelt upon. But my primary emotion after my dad’s passing was not grief. It was relief. Yes, he had been mostly absent from my life, but not completely absent. After he passed away there were certain things I would never have to experience again. So, while losing a father is difficult, my situation had its own set of complexities. And I was ill equipped to handle them. 

So, while I won’t go into detail, I will acknowledge the 2nd statement (he’s going to really screw him up) was said by an onlooker after my father did something to me in public as opposed to other private occurrences. It was witnessed by onlookers this time (no..it wasn’t a spanking).  And that’s when I overheard an older gentleman utter those words. After the incident I was sitting... sulking...confused by what I had experienced, only slightly aware of others’ reaction to it. Again..I had no idea how to process the events or the words...and others who could have helped were not readily available to me at the time. That just wasn’t the focus in those days. 

Maybe I can take solace that today I’m somewhere between fine and really screwed up. (Disclaimer...if you know me, you know me saying something like this IS fine...AND perhaps at least partially screwed up. Alright, I have a weird sense of humor, which often helps. What I’m saying is...this is not a call for help. Not a “pity me” statement. I hope it doesn’t come across that way.  I’m not admitting some crisis in progress. This part is just an acknowledgement, a little bit tongue in cheek, that I made it out ok.) But life can be hard at times. And sometimes recovery is a longer journey than we wish...and longer than others might wish for us...and perhaps longer than other’s patience may allow us. 

But most of all, this is a call to be kind, and intentional in our kindness. Kindness goes further than we can imagine. Intentional kindness, even further. 

So yes...we hear talks... we see posts...encouraging us to be kind, because no one knows what others have gone through. This resonates with me because it is part of my story.  I don’t want it to be. I’ve daydreamed of having a different story. And I’m still not comfortable with some of my history. But I can tell you from experience what ill-advised words and actions can do to a young heart. There’s not a quick easy fix. And some of us get a late start before we face those beasts head on. We’re all a work in progress. 

So I respect and support the efforts of those involved in promoting positive mental health, on any level. I’m proud to know, and be friends with so many who are involved in the betterment of others’ mental health...of any age group. If that’s you... thank you. I sincerely mean it.

We’ve all seen the statements: “Kindness is free” or “It doesn’t cost a thing to be kind”. How true. I’m just hoping kindness becomes a little more readily available...in bodily form. We need more of that. 

Thank you for reading. 

The False Narrative Very Few of Us Actually Believe

I saw this clip a couple of years ago where fans had the opportunity to vent their frustrations towards a giant poster of a player they felt betrayed them by signing with another team. The people in the clip said some pretty harsh things about the player...to the poster. But what they didn’t know was he was behind the poster listening to everything ...then came out from behind to greet them.

And greet them he did. And boy were they surprised. And their tone changed immediately.  We could dwell on the hypocrisy ...but what’s the fun of that? Seriously. That doesn’t get us anywhere. What I see is that there’s this false sense of security (bravado) we as humans shield ourselves with when we think we’re protected by either anonymity or distance. Thing is...I don’t believe we truly believe much of what we say when we’re spewing or venting. And most of us, when confronted with the opportunity, find a way to be respectful...because that’s what good humans do. 

So, here’s what I think is more true than the false narrative:

1. We really don’t believe some of the disrespectful things we say about others. 
2. Spewing doesn’t really make us feel better or make the situation better. 
3. We’re nicer than we might let on. 
4. Others spewing disrespectful thoughts about us or our beliefs...might not actually fully believe it...and might actually be nicer to us in person, given the chance. 

Maybe...just maybe..there’s a false narrative that has picked up an energy all it’s own. But it’s more false than true. And... maybe I’m not as bad as someone makes me out to be. And deep down ...maybe they’re not as bad as they seem when they spew. Just maybe.

Jimmy Fallon Robinson Cano vid