(What it’s meant to me)
At a relatively young age I was aware that I was missing a strong positive male influence in my life…and left unaddressed, that dynamic could be problematic for me long term. Sure, I gleaned a little here or there from teachers and coaches. Yet I hoped for more input, and honestly had to deal with disappointments in part due to my unrealistically high expectations and hopes that someone would step up and step in to help fill my gaps. Other disappointments were more reality based, as some men are jerks…but more on that later.
So, getting to the point, I leaned heavily on the teachings of the book of Proverbs. The book of wisdom was written by Solomon to his sons, based largely on the teachings he received from his father, King David. Really, one would be hard pressed to find mentoring any better from anyone else from any point in human history.
No, I did not have the benefit of personal exchange or interaction while reading .. there was no asking questions, getting specific feedback on issues…how to shoot a basketball…talk to girls…set the condenser points on a distributer on an older model car …you get the idea. But I was able to read at any time, wise words from wise men. 31 chapters is an excellent format as well. Today is the 9th? Easy. Read Proverbs chapter 9. It’s only 18 verses. Miss a day? No big deal. Catch it next month. But, set out to read one chapter a day, and your mind will continually be exposed to wise words.
And that was my pattern, for many of the 30+ years to follow. No, I’m not claiming to be wise because of it. But I do claim to have received some direction from it.
My approach was to first of all read as if looking in a mirror. Proverbs provides contrasts…wise behavior vs foolish behavior. Wise people vs foolish people. And when reading while looking in the mirror (figuratively) I had to determine what kind of man I wanted to be. And when it came to the company I kept, I had to determine how others measured up with what I was reading on a regular basis, and purpose to associate with some, and distance myself from others.
Let me pause for a moment to state something about judging others. We are wise to first judge ourselves. But having good judgement includes the company we keep. What you do with your opinions of others, for their benefit or hurt, speaks volumes to your level of being judgmental. You can keep opinions to yourself or you can spread them. And yes, the book of Proverbs has plenty to say about that as well.
And another disclaimer…just because I read the book religiously doesn’t mean I followed it. Many days I did not…to my own hurt, and to the hurt of others close to me. But the reading and digesting of the book of Proverbs over time became my reference point. My solid ground. If I strayed, I knew where I strayed from, and could find a reference point to return to. That was like gold to me.
You can find plenty of areas of controversy in many other parts of the Bible. But it’s fairly simple in Proverbs. See a person who creates falsehoods to get his own way? Don’t be like that guy. And stay away from him and people like him. See a person who takes something not belonging to them? Don’t do that, and stay away from people who do. Simple, but powerful. And so applicable to today.
So much noise can be heard today on the topic of masculinity. But don’t be fooled. Many people are claiming their masculinity is under attack when it’s really toxicity that is under attack. Big difference. When I look in the mirror I have to ask…is my masculinity under attack? Or is my toxicity under attack? Personally, I am not threatened when toxicity is under attack. I’ll only be better if I’m less toxic. And honestly, I’m not sure why some men feel threatened, unless being toxic somehow helps them achieve their ends. And I try to avoid those types. But maybe they feel threatened when their go to tool is in jeopardy.
When I was 14 a teacher/leader in my church recruited me to get into a fight with his son. Yes, he pulled me aside and told me he thought his son needed to toughen up, and asked if I would initiate the task of beating up his son. I respectfully declined, but I’ve often wondered about that proposition. It conflicted with nearly everything else I had been taught in my young experience of church. I was small for my age, and I wondered if I was being set up… used as bait… to start a fight just so his son could experience a physical victory after rising to the occasion. I wasn’t from a church family. So, I’d just be blamed for being a ruffian. His son would be justifiably defending himself against some bad apple. Who knows. Glad I didn’t bite. But tough stuff for a kid my age to try to decipher.
But I think that’s the approach many toxic men take towards their masculinity. If respect doesn’t come naturally, fight for it…even if it means beating it out of somebody else. However, there’s a better way. Read Proverbs, looking inward while doing so. And leave toxicity by the wayside, along with others stubbornly clinging to it.
Thank you for reading.
