Know Thyself

One of the writing projects I’ve been putting off for well over a year now has to do with the idea of knowing oneself, and how that affects personal relationships. I’d personalize and rephrase an old saying by stating it this way: “the examined life is worth living and sharing with others”.

The timing now seems to be rather fitting. The idea is...we are beings that long for connection, even intimacy on a deep level... knowing and being known by another person. I believe that is at the base of some of our most compelling desires. For some maybe that desire is stronger than for others. But I believe it resides in all of us to some extent. And really, how can we expect someone to know us when we don’t even know ourselves?

Here we find ourselves in isolation. At least I hope those reading this are practicing social distancing. Many of us, if not alone, are in contact with one...maybe two or three other people. Small circles. Ready or not we’ll be in a position to know and be known by our partner or others we’re with. Things will come up. Triggers will trip. Reactions and responses will occur. Questions will be asked. Like, maybe “where did that come from?”. Sometimes “I don’t know” might not cut it. And if we don’t know, how can we expect someone else to know for us? And do we really want someone else diagnosing our behavior without our input?

I don’t know about you, but if my partner is going to be diagnosing me I’d probably rather have some input than just leave them to their own conclusions... if the relationship is important to me, anyway. 

So that’s why I think knowing oneself is important. And, if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s about time. It’s not selfish to know yourself. It’s not self absorption. It’s self knowledge. And it’s actually a gift you can give your loved ones...your intimate one. Really, it’s a gift of yourself. 

Sure, that can sound like a positive, and really, it all is. But sometimes it may start off down a negative path. For instance, let’s say while you’re on a walk with your partner you come upon something sudden or unexpected physically, conversationally, or emotionally ..and it triggers an undesirable behavior. You know it. Your partner knows it. And you’re looking at each other silently asking the same question, “what was that about?”. If you don’t know, you probably won’t ask the question out loud. But your partner might, if it’s important enough. They’ll want to know. Knowing is at the root of intimacy. A healthy relationship involves growing knowledge of each other. 

If you do know what triggered you, you’ll be able to discuss it and move forward if you’re in a safe place emotionally with your partner to do so. If you don’t know, well, no time like the present to do some soul searching. And if you don’t have a safe environment, well, I feel for you. These must be extremely difficult times. 

I believe the concept of self control is rooted in self knowledge. How can you control yourself if you don’t know yourself? Or maybe we overdo it with with control intercessions. Here’s a silly example. For some reason ice cream is fairly safe around me. I like it. I’ll eat it. But I’m pretty controlled with ice cream. Other desserts, not so much. I can wipe out banana bread without warning. But for some reason a carton of ice cream can last. I don’t need to implement a “no desserts” policy. But banana bread might warrant its own set of rules. I know that about myself. So, if there’s banana bread around, I’ll tell my loved ones to take what they want before I devour the rest. Well...that’s if I’m self controlled. If I’m not self controlled they may not even realize banana bread was ever in the house. 

But my point is...self knowledge helps in getting along with others. It also helps when it comes to apologizing..which again, helps in getting along with others. I believe apologies in a long term relationship include some kind of action plan or resolution. Not just an “oops...I did it again...” 

So...let’s say I made some banana bread disappear without alerting others. And I get called on it...again. And I’m asked...”what is with you and banana bread???”.

Well...it could go a number of ways, depending on how important it is to others. And how important others are to me. I could just say that all banana bread in the house is mine, but that’s not likely acceptable. Now if you think this is silly, I can tell on myself some more. I once bought a Costco snack I knew others would want...but I’d also want mostly for myself. So I bought two... One was a “decoy” that I shared openly..the other was my hidden stash. Silly. Conniving. Deceitful. Maybe not so silly. Depends on the issue. 

You know, honesty and open communication about this kind of stuff is not easy, and depending on the issue..can result in really hurtful exchanges. That’s why we need to know ourselves, so we can control ourselves for the benefit of getting along with others. Maybe the solution is to have your own bag of snacks..that nobody else touches. Or maybe it’s open communication about fairness, allowing for others’ preferences to matter equally. And working on it together, even after failures. 

Here’s another thing I’ve learned about myself. If I’ve been triggered by something, I need a cool down period. If I have 20 minutes to cool down on my own, that can potentially save damage done in the heat of the moment. And people close to me not only know that, they honor or respect it. And that is for the benefit of all. And I honor and respect other people’s space in that context as well. You have to if it’s meaningful to you to get along long term. 

Another practicality to knowing yourself is to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of, or even enabled...basically allowing yourself to be controlled by someone else in an unhealthy manner. If you know yourself well enough to know where your weaknesses are, then you are more likely to self coach yourself through manipulative situations. It’s not someone else’s job to control you. Know yourself, and take control of yourself. 

I heard a guest on a talk show recently encourage social distancing, but not emotional distancing. That made me pause. Yes, we’re in close quarters with a very small number of people, but I think we all have learned to be distant at times, even with others nearby...sometimes as a way to protect ourselves. But maybe it’s time to take a risk. Maybe it’s time to be more vulnerable. More trusting. And to make it a safe place for others to be that way as well. And if we’re dealing with isolation alone, learn to get along with yourself. Cut yourself some slack. But also allow yourself to doubt. To question. To explore. To change. To grow. Maybe even to play. Who knows, we may all come out of this better individually and better as a whole. Let’s hope so.