For the Love of Fiber

Does anyone remember Ted Popson? If you do, you’re probably a fan of either the San Fransisco 49ers or the Kansas City Chiefs, or you’re a medical provider on some level, or you buy or sell real estate in California. Ted took the advice of his doctors and retired from football because of head injuries he sustained over his years as a tight end. He was known for taking some pretty ferocious hits after catching the ball. I remember one hit in particular where he appeared to have been knocked unconscious. It was pretty horrifying to watch. The cameras focused on his still body on the turf...still clutching the football...hand on one point of the ball, the other end of the ball tucked between his bicep, elbow, and torso. Pretty much textbook form, especially for someone knocked unconscious. Carl Peterson, then GM of the Chiefs, said of the play “That was about the most vicious hit I’ve ever seen in the NFL, but he held onto the ball.″

That’s the kind of player Ted Popson was, and he gave up the game he loved based on his doctors’ advice to do so. I saw an interview he gave years later with retired QB Steve Bono, and I enjoyed hearing about Ted’s life after football, selling real estate in CA.

As inspirational as Ted Popson’s story is, it is not my story. Not even close. I’m about the furthest thing from a pro football player, including kickers. I just wasn’t cut out to be a physical specimen on that level. And I’ve known this for some time. Sure, I had dreams and aspirations as a boy to be some kind of sports hero, but those dissipated early on and were replaced by other thoughts like “I should probably exercise more” or “how does anyone drink 8 glasses of water a day” or “how am I going to get more fiber in my diet”.

Ah...the aging process...sneaks up on you from behind and tackles you violently to the ground. Sure, there are some things that can be done to adjust and try to lessen the blow. So, at the age of 50, I decided it was time to act a little more maturely and make some healthier choices. The water consumption thing still has me perplexed, but I tried. I’ve started and stopped many exercise regimens. But I hadn’t given much thought to the fiber concept. I mean, you hear it all over the place...increase your fiber...fiber this fiber that. So I had to give it a try.

Well, you start looking at foods high in fiber, and honestly, some are plain distasteful. Certainly not fun foods. So, I looked for an easier way out...fiber supplements. And it’s not like I wasn’t being careful in my approach to being lazy when it came to getting my fiber. I was doing at least a little homework. I found natural fiber supplements in capsule form at a health food store. And because I knew what fiber can do to your system, I started off with half the recommended dosage ...because I’m cautious and careful.

Well, I’m also stupid, but we’re getting to that.

Initially the introduction to this new level of fiber was a jolt to my system. But I was fairly dedicated, and thought my body needed time to adjust. I thought when my body did adjust, then I’d work on getting up to the recommended daily amount, according to whoever was printing the labels, I guess. I never figured out who decided those specifics. Like I said...I was stupid. And yes, I’m getting to that...well, right now.

Please don’t make me explain the shock to the system that increased fiber induces. You all know, so I won’t have to spell it out. But man, I was always aware of where the nearest bathroom was, in case I was hit with an episode. My system was really putting up a fight. And I would basically coach myself through each time. Don’t be such a wimp. Take control of yourself. No pain no gain. You got this. Whatever.

Now, if you’re asking yourself how there can be pain associated with increasing fiber to your diet, Just please suspend those thoughts for a few moments longer. I actually got light headed at times, the episodes were so strong. But I kept on cuz...momma didn’t raise no quitter. Or something like that. But come on...it was fiber. Fiber is natural. Fiber is good for you. Fiber is your friend. “Just stick with it” is what I told myself.

Well, I thought I had a workable system in place. Kind of. I mean, if you consider suddenly cutting off conversations and being gone unexpectedly for periods of time was a system. Then yeah...my system was working. Kind of.

But then there was that one day...the day I skipped breakfast. Well, not entirely skipped. I had coffee. And of course I washed down my fiber supplement capsules with that coffee. I guess I had gotten cocky. But life has a way of throwing you down when you get too cocky.

Later that morning I went to the grocery store. I knew I had to plan on a quick trip, in case an episode came on suddenly. And let me just say this as delicately as I can...I prefer the comfort of my own home in those situations. Nuff said? So yes, I had gotten pretty good at managing these situations, and getting home on time. But today was different. Today was coffee induced fiber supplement blowout day.

You remember the faux commercials Saturday Night Live would do? I remember one on a high fiber cereal they called Colon Blow. Well, they could’ve used my picture on the box.

Yeah. This was my blowout day. At the grocery store. It started out well and good. But then the all out attack set in. Comedian Brian Regan explained his similar experience as “everything on my inside wanted to be on my outside”. Yes. That’s what happened to me. I immediately headed to the checkout line hoping I could quickly exit and make it home. I did not. I did make it through the checkout line, but as I pushed my cart through the automated doors the ground started spinning. After what seemed like one rotation the pavement appeared to be getting closer and closer and bam. Darkness.

There I was. In the grocery store parking lot. Down for the count. Taken down by...fiber...and my system’s inability to handle my fiber intake, I guess. Anyway...I was out. I was awakened by a very concerned young lady saying something. Kind of frantic, if you ask me. I didn’t understand what she was saying at first, but I do remember thinking...hey...aren’t you the gal that was bagging my groceries that one time?

Well, it only took a couple seconds for me to understand her frantic words “Sir, Sir!!! Don’t leave us Sir!! Oh SIR!! Thank god you didn’t leave us!!! I thought we lost you Sir!!”

Sheesh. Talk about drama.

I think I preferred not understanding what she was saying. But I was waking up to the fact that I had just passed out in the parking lot..and there was now a crowd of people gathered around. And that I was probably not going to make it home anytime soon.

Ok, what follows is a series of events that are probably just wrong, but it all turned out ok. Ok? This is not a script of what to do in this situation. But it is what happened. And really, it turned out fine.

With some help, I sat up, and was ushered back into the store. Well, not entirely in the store, but to the little park bench next to the shopping carts, just inside the first set of automated doors. I was informed that a response team was called and on its way. I was asked if there was anything I needed.

At this point you just make your needs known. I stated simply and emphatically...I really really need to find a restroom. Could someone please take me to the restroom?

I must have been very convincing. The assistant manager thought quickly on this one. And I wasn’t about to argue. Beggars can’t be choosy. I knew I couldn’t walk on my own without the risk of passing out again. So when he showed up with an office chair, I crawled on, and away we went.

The restroom was in the back of the store. So of course we had to first pass all the checkout lines.... the incredibly quiet checkout lines. I sensed no movement by anyone within my line of sight. But I wasn’t really looking. I determined to make no eye contact with anyone at this point.

We took a quick left towards the produce aisle. Good call, I thought. Wide space. Plenty of room for the assistant manager to push me down the produce aisle...in an office chair.

Nice picture, isn’t it? Here I was, trying to do one of the most basic things to improve my health, and instead I pass out and am being wheeled down the produce aisle in an office chair. Not how I envisioned things. Funny how life works. Funny how it doesn’t.

I was still adhering to my self imposed no eye contact rule. I remember the rush of the air, as we sped along. It actually felt good for a moment. I had broke into a sweat, and this brisk ride proved to be a little calm before the storm.

Well, we made it to the restroom. I’m really not one for bathroom humor, so I’ll try to spare you the details, or at least be as delicate as I can. But I’m not sure how to explain the purge that followed. For some reason several “E” words come to mind.

Emphatic
Exclamatory
Expulsion
Excruciating
Excommunication
Exorcism

I don’t know..words can’t really describe it ...everything nasty, but also necessary. It was like a 24 hour flu compressed into 24 minutes.

Well, the assistant manager checked on me a couple of times, and I assured him I was ok...”be out in a minute”...maybe more than a couple of times.

You know the assistant manager really stepped up and shined that day. He told me the medical response team was waiting for me and directed me to them when I was ready. Finally I was ready. The responders checked me out, but I let them know I wasn’t going anywhere with them. So, I was dismissed. Free to go. So I left.

I headed back towards the front of the store, walking on my own this time. Yes it was crowded. It was Saturday morning. But it was strangely quiet. I started wondering how I would get my cart, or even how I would explain that I was the guy that already paid..and ask...”where’s my cart”...as discretely as possible. Turned out, I didn’t need to ask anything. Just follow the stares. As I approached the checkout area everything got deathly quiet. No register beeps, no rustling of items being bagged. No kids crying or asking for candy. Just quiet. And stares. So much for slipping out unnoticed. All eyes on me. Then all eyes shifted to my cart. In unison. Then all eyes back on me again. It was an unplanned signal, but they all gave it. And it was clear to me exactly where my cart was. Didn’t have to ask. Just follow the stares.

I’m only guessing they were all thinking the same thing too. Something like “oh good, he’s ok...” quickly changing to “oh god...please don’t tell me he’s going to drive himself home.” But yes. Yes I was. That’s exactly what I set out to do.

But there was a slight problem. I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I parked. Yes, I had my usual parking space at that store. I was a regular. I had a system. But this was Saturday, and I had to take whatever space was available. And I couldn’t remember where that space was. A lot had happened since I first entered that day. It’s like I even had a nap. So, I didn’t think it was that unusual that I couldn’t find my car. But I’m sure it looked really bod to some onlookers.

Eventually I found my car, after testing many areas with my key fob extended in front of me, hoping to connect with that familiar “you found me” sound my car has often given me in the past. Wandering. Pointing aimlessly. Wandering some more. But eventually finding the lost treasure.

And I drove home, safely. And I unloaded my groceries, including the crushed cereal boxes and broken eggs. But I was home.

The following weeks included multiple trips to the doctor, tests and a colonoscopy. Yes, I was due one anyway. But everything turned out really good. The only bad thing about good results was, we didn’t decisively know what happened. The doc told me he thought that the activity in my digestive system was so intense that my blood pressure dropped dangerously low to the point of passing out.

Yes, I told him about the fiber supplement capsules, and how I was taking them to increase fiber in my diet...probably looking for affirmation points. I’ll never forget what he said. Simple yet profound. He said “stop doing that”.

In the history of medical advice, or really any area of advice, I can’t think of better advice to counter destructive behavior. Stop doing that. The thing that’s not working. Stop doing that. The thing that causes harm for you or your loved ones. Stop doing that. Simple. And what do you know...it worked. I stopped the fiber supplement capsules, and not only did I not pass out again, I stopped having any of those nasty digestive episodes. I know. I’m lucky. I have friends not so lucky. And I feel for you. I really do. And if any of you are squeamish about getting a colonoscopy...please don’t be. Just do it, more simple yet profound advice. I know...you’re concerned about the prep work the night before. Well, I did mine after my episode at the grocery store, and all I can say is, the colonoscopy prep work is kindergarten by comparison. Do yourself a favor and get it done. You’ll survive. I did. Please don’t put it off.

One more thing. Remember Ted Popson? Well, here’s the connection to that inspirational story. Ready??

I too did not fumble the football.

There’s no way I’d be telling this story if I fumbled the football in that parking lot. No way. My ego just wouldn’t allow it. But my ego is ever in search of finding something to be at least slightly proud of, or finding some kind of a silver lining. And that is it. I didn’t give up the football until I was safely in the end zone. Then it was another “E” word: exuberance. Index fingers pointed skyward, head tilted back, mouthing the words silently “thank you”...”thank you!!”

And thank you, Ted Popson. You are a true inspiration not only in how to compete, but also in knowing when to quit. And knowing how to adjust moving forward.