The Apology

One of the biggest wastes of time is waiting for an apology that’s never going to happen. And the longer you wait, the more likely you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If it ever came, the words would be too little too late, or just not as spot on as you’ve constructed in your mind. Wasted energy, when it’s all said and done.

This is a personal account of my needing to forgive someone more than they needed to be forgiven. And yes, it does involve someone who has passed away, so if you’re not up for that, here’s your warning. It’s just that we start outliving others as time goes on. And we accumulate experiences. Some things in life are good to avoid and some things are worth holding on to. I’m at the point in life where avoiding regrets is a significant win. So...what follows is a true story of how I was spared a regret that, honestly, I am very thankful I don’t have to carry today.

Over 30 years ago I was in a situation that required the parting of ways with someone. We weren’t extremely close to begin with, but the parting was bitter. And the parting words were harsh and destructive and very one-sided, from my viewpoint...way more harsh and destructive than necessary. And that was definitely part of my takeaway....the harshness and the bitterness. I couldn’t have explained it this way at the time, but it was like the bitterness of that experience was compacted into a tiny burning ember and deposited somewhere into an empty space in my soul. Come on. You probably have empty spaces in your soul too. Places unseen by others where bad ideas don’t always die and shrivel up, but sometimes sit and rot and fester. Well, evidently I do too. And this ember took up residence in one of those empty places without me really knowing it. I just thought it was a bitter experience that simply went away over time.

I know we’ve all heard people say things like “oh...I’m not one to bear a grudge”. Well guess what...I’ve discovered I am one to bear a grudge. Who knew, right?? I learned that I was not only capable of bearing a grudge, but also holding onto it for years, without even realizing it.

But then suddenly and unannounced, like a pop quiz, you do realize something ugly inside...15 years later...after you thought it was forgotten and gone...but out of “nowhere” this person is at the same store as you...just an aisle or two away. You spot them, but they don’t see you... And instead of taking your normal path to the checkout line...maybe even faking a smile or forcing a “hello”, no...you go several steps out of your way to avoid making contact.

That was my response to the pop quiz. And I was like...where the hell did that come from??

Yep. That’s when you first realize you have a problem with grudges, or at least “a” grudge...when one surfaces years after the fact at a chance meeting. You get triggered, and that little alien creature called “bitterness” is burning its way out of your insides. And you’re awake for the whole thing...just as confused as everyone else.

Well, it turns out it really wasn’t all that much of a chance meeting. The guy had relocated into my area of town. When I learned this, my first thought was that I was just going to avoid him if I ever saw him again, and just keep avoiding him...at the store...or at a gas station...or anywhere, really. And during this time I was becoming more aware of this ember of bitterness in my soul that had never quite gone out all those years ago. It was actually getting worse...and now surfacing. I couldn’t “wish” it away. Time certainly didn’t heal this thing. I knew somehow I was going to have to deal with it. I just had no clue how that was going to happen.

Well, as fate would have it, our paths crossed again, but it was on a more regular basis. We were volunteering together at the same place. Yeah...I know...keep reading. Contact was unavoidable...and we actually had to talk at times...you know...and be civil. Because of the nature of our responsibilities, I had to try to act a certain way. See, I had suppressed this for years. I didn’t think this was an issue, but now it undeniably was. At least it was for me. It didn’t seem to bother this guy in the least, and that bothered me even more. He just carried on as if there was nothing in the past that could be a barrier. I swear, if he would have whistled while he worked I probably would have come unglued. I didn’t think he deserved to be that happy. I certainly wasn’t happy. Not when he was around.

See what it does? That crap inside? And it was having its way with me.

Well, I don’t know if it was my pitiful body language or what tipped him off, but he asked to meet me privately to discuss something. I didn’t want to, but I knew we had to. This kind of nonsense had no place and needed to be dealt with.

So during our meeting he asked if there was something he had done ...anything... in the past that offended me. Wow. Talk about a green light. My first instinct was to floor it and start spewing the offenses one right after the other. You ever have conversations with yourself regarding what you would tell so and so if you ever got the chance to tell so and so off? Yeah? Me too. And this was the perfect chance. I couldn’t have set the table any better myself. I had an open invitation.

But when I looked at him I saw this humble man, a gentle man actually, standing in the middle of an intersection with oncoming traffic, and it was my turn to approach. I couldn’t just floor it and run him over, but I couldn’t let it slide either. So I went there, and he went along for the ride. I took him back to those 17 years prior (yes, I had been doing the avoidance dance for a couple of years by this time) I knew when the incident happened, and I carefully detailed the context of the situation (like it happened just yesterday), I even used some of the exact words he used...so he could bathe in the familiarity...really let it soak in. Then I explained the manipulation I felt and why I was so deeply offended. I was as clear as I could be so it would be as fresh in his mind as it was in mine. I was the perfect tour guide accounting events historically and accurately, and he was the perfect passenger, taking every detail in. I was a bit taken aback at how calm I had been.

Well, here is the disappointing part... which didn’t last long, but it puzzled me greatly, if only for a moment. But initially his response was very disappointing.

He said he didn’t remember it happening.

Wait...what?!?!?

Man...talk about a let down!! How could he claim to not remember this offense, especially after I detailed it so clearly? Something inside me was about to ignite, but then... it was his words that followed... and his believable demeanor that intervened, and basically quieted my soul. Let me explain.

He said something like this, “Paul, I don’t remember saying that. And I don’t really remember that point in time. But I do remember saying things like that to you and others. And I’ve had this conversation with others. So it is very possible I said that, and in the way you described So I believe you. I believe that what you said happened ...actually happened. And I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been. Will you forgive me?”

Well, talk about letting the air out of my tires. The wind out of my sails. In that brief moment I felt I had no burn left in me. To me, the only appropriate response at that time was “yes...of course I forgive you”.

I still have a lot to figure out regarding the dynamics of apologies and forgiveness. Was it the perfect apology? Well, not really what I was initially looking for, but yes, it turned out that way, because it contained the necessary elements as far as I was concerned. It was what I considered sincere contriteness, ownership, and it resulted in forgiveness. Can’t beat that. As imperfect as the apology was...I mean, the guy claimed he didn’t even remember... But what he did do was this: ..listen to my account of the offense...point his finger to that ember, that hurt spot in my soul, as if it say...”that...did I cause that?” And he waited for my response. He acknowledged what he did. He owned it. And when I accepted his apology and forgave him, the burning ember was gone. Poof. Pretty much just like that.

Now, the worst thing I could have done after something like that would have been to find that ember and stuff it back in and refuel it. People do that. Fortunately I did not.

Some might think I let him off the hook. But in a case like this, isn’t that what forgiveness is? I understand some situations require more work. And I’m all for appropriate actions when necessary. But this offense was primarily harsh words and hurt feelings. He tended to be absent minded at times, I’m guessing through much of his life. I’m not excusing what he did. But he certainly seemed to not only come to grips with some of his shortcomings, but also the effect those shortcomings had on others...to the point that he was open to taking steps to right the wrongs that he committed. That, my friends, is the sign of a mature person taking control of their individual growth process. And my respect for him grew for that reason.

Our paths never really crossed much after that. It was just a natural separation over time kind of thing. I heard years later that he was battling cancer and passed away several years ago now. Though we weren’t ever really close, I believe there were a couple of a life lessons I learned with him and from him that I hadn’t quite experienced with anyone else.

One lesson is the benefit I received through having the opportunity to forgive. I didn’t realize I needed that lesson at that level before. And honestly, it was a huge relief. I believe I needed to forgive much more than he needed to be forgiven. The other lesson was his example of having a humble approach to confronting his past and wrongdoings and taking steps towards making things right. Do I do that? I certainly have a long way to go in that department. So, he gave me an example that I still ponder from time to time.

Ok...here’s a bonus lesson ... I don’t have to wait for an apology before I can forgive someone. Instead of having conversations with myself on how I would put a person in their place, maybe I can persuade myself to just forgive them ...then worry about the conversation later should the opportunity present itself.

Sure makes shopping more enjoyable when you’re not actively trying to avoid certain people.

I know, not everyone needs these lessons to the extent that I did. If you’re reading this far, I thank you. I sincerely hope it leads to some beneficial soul searching.