I’d like to say I’m a student of human behavior. So I will. I’m enrolled in the school of life and currently auditing a class called “Observations”. While the school of life comes with a hefty price tag, the Observations class is totally free.
One of my findings so far is that we share many tendencies, but the degree in which we exhibit these tendencies depends on two things. One is more involuntary ...how much we are naturally bent in the direction of those tendencies. The second is more voluntary ...how much we purpose to include or exclude ourselves in the direction of those tendencies.
I’m not assigning a moral value to these tendencies here. I’m acknowledging they exist...in varying degrees in different people. And that’s the wonderful thing about us..how different we are. And yet how many things we have in common at the core.
Another observation...one of the more difficult tasks we have in this life is to empathize with others. Often we say “if that was me I’d..._____” and we fill in the blank. But that’s not empathy. That’s not putting myself in their shoes. That’s putting myself in their circumstances and stating what I would do if I were in their circumstance. And that’s different than trying to understand them, and how they got there, and why they’re doing what they’re doing.
It takes a lot of effort to consider someone else’s stance or views and how they got there. And honestly, it’s easy to be lazy when considering others. Perhaps some come by empathy more naturally than others. Perhaps some don’t discipline themselves to think that way at all. But I think we owe it to ourselves and others to practice empathy. At least put some effort into it.
Several years ago I met a gal for dinner. We had exchanged some messages and decided to meet in person for the first time. I arrived at the restaurant first and noticed she was a minute late, or so. No biggie. We had a nice conversation and halfway through see apologized for being late. She explained that she was trying to find a parking spot under a street light for safety purposes. It was light when we started, and I assured her that I would walk her to her car if she didn’t feel safe. She smiled and said she felt safe ...now ... and didn’t elaborate.
It took me a second but I realized I was the potential danger. Not me specifically, but she didn’t know me. One can never be too careful in those situations, right? I was not offended. But I had to dig a bit to try to understand how she could feel that way, since it was not my natural tendency to think that way. Her safety concern was not something that I could identify with as a common concern. Not regularly anyway.
So I did some thinking, and my initial thoughts were...that must really suck...going out to meet someone and wondering if you could return safely to your car afterwards. Horrible thought. But I’m guessing somewhat common for a number of women.
But then I had to go a bit further in my introspection. I wondered what women had to put up with in terms of harassment. Again, not a topic most men have to deal with on a regular basis. So I tried to recall a time I’d been harassed. This is what came to mind.
Back in the 80’s I was working in a production plant for baking ingredients. I had concluded a two year teaching stint in an inner city Christian school. I had a young family, and I wasn’t providing for the growing financial needs of my family. So I left the Christian school and took what work I could while I tried to figure out a different career path.
The plant was in the state of KS, which was a right to work state. Regardless of how I felt about unions, I just could not afford the dues. We went without for years. It’s not like I was saving for a boat. I just wanted to be able to afford socks for the kids. Bare minimums. And I couldn’t justify spending any money whatsoever on union fees if I wasn’t under legal obligation to do so.
Well, guess what. That didn’t set real well with my coworkers and they let me know. I learned to wear my hard hat everywhere in the plant. Especially after having objects dropped on me from the floors above. I distinctly remember a broom and a screwdriver bouncing off my hard hat on different occasions.
Nothing I can prove. And in all honesty, I don’t blame them one bit for being upset with someone they viewed as scabbing off their dues. I get it. And I understood it then.
But the part that really got me was what one guy decided to do. When we’d pass on the stairs in opposite directions he’d reach over and pinch my crotch. Not every time, but he caught me off guard a couple of times. Sure, I told him to stop. But he just laughed it off.
Again...I can’t say that was for sure related to the union situation, but it really didn’t matter. This was an affront that shouldn’t be happening. But I felt I had nowhere to turn for support or help on any level. Anything I thought I could do seemed to unfold into a very unpleasant scenario. I even wondered if I was making too big a deal out of it in my mind.
Then one day he did it again, and it was just us two in the stairwell. I prepped myself for this potential moment, so I knew what I wanted to say. This guy was bigger than me, more muscular, stronger and more athletic, in my summation. But I stopped him and told him the next time he did that I’d punch him..and then he’d punch me..and we’d fight, and he’d probably win. But he’d have to live with that...but he would get punched.
Well... he stopped. Yeah...there’s a part of me that would like to think he backed off because of my physical presence. But I knew I had to appeal to his reasoning and sense of decency. I guess he figured it out. He never did it again. And... I don’t remember any more harassment after that. I was laid off shortly thereafter, but that’s another chapter.
As I processed this event recently, I have to bring my mind to certain conclusions... and leave my mind open to others. If someone is being harassed, we don’t know for sure what we would or should do if we were in their shoes. We’d only be guessing. Also, we don’t always know what resources for protection are available, or how reliable they might be. Hopefully things are better now than 30 years ago.
And I guess the biggest one for me...I can’t pretend to know what fears (large or small) someone else is experiencing. But I can try. And I think the effort speaks volumes. Volumes. Maybe they feel like they matter when they see that effort being taken by others trying to understand with positive intent. Sadly the other options are to do nothing, or to offer negative criticism, or resort to name calling, or assigning blame.
We might not all come to the table with the same tools. Some of us might be more bent towards considering others, some of us might need to work harder at providing sincere and positive empathy. But it’s an effort worth spending. After all, we’re all in this together.
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